I've been revisiting death a lot over the past couple of weeks.

My son's, my father's, my grandparents'; now Guido Vermeulen's

People say to me, oftener than not, that the wounds get better with time. But it's been years and these things still leave a gaping hole inside of me, not able to seal itself shut and form a scar instead.

And it's not just death either. Sometimes it's someone just stepping out and calling it quits.

I guess, I'm not asking help, to understand; or anything like that. I'm just making a personal commentary.

Drop whatever you feel like pasting in the comments, I guess.

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Comment by Keye C. on May 16, 2017 at 4:12pm
I don't know exactly what to type in here, Moan Lisa... but now I thought of sending you a heart-shaped mail.
Comment by Moan Lisa on May 12, 2017 at 9:35pm

Yeah I made some asemics but really there's not much I can do besides check into the hospital if it gets much worse. I just have to ride it out until the extra lithium kicks in.

Comment by xx Jones on May 12, 2017 at 9:29pm

Ha no, I meant a journal as a tool over a period of time - where you just spend time to reflect, no feedback from outside, but rather a conversation with yourself. It helped me get through some crazy times, the time I spent in my journal was just to help me calm down and clear my head. A written journal does not work for me, but visual journal can include anything, also drawing or scribbling to channel the screaming, as you put it! I made one book over the course of several months that was just to include things that made me happy. But of course it might not be for everyone.

Asemic writing sounds good!

Comment by Moan Lisa on May 12, 2017 at 6:01pm

Asemics come to mind but I don't know how therapeutic they are or just a way to channel some of the screaming. I posted my asemic writing on a writing critique site the other day and everyone just kind of freely associated what they saw, nobody could offer any solid feedback. tbh, I have not seen people critiquing asemic writing in a constructive way as yet, it's just always seeming to be praise not punishment, if that makes sense.

Anyhow, I had a long nap which helped immensely. I think the extra lithium is starting to take effect. still feel like I'm a bit of a self-propelled lawnmower on autopilot definitely not relaxed enough to make an entire journal right now. I need something I can pour a lot of energy into quickly and move on. I will try said asemics.

Comment by xx Jones on May 12, 2017 at 4:35pm

I find sticking paper on paper or drawing and writing in a journal very calming and therapeutic. Having a private visual journal helped me to work though some painful issues. Not everything has to be "artistic" or shared :-) 

Comment by Moan Lisa on May 12, 2017 at 3:53pm

I'm sure my mania isn't helping things but yeah probably more like a human garbage disposal is how my heart feels than anything right now. I'd make something but my thoughts are kind of everywhere these past few days and it's hard to just settle down and exude something artistic.

Maybe I'll try a little harder and pull something together if I'm lucky.

Comment by xx Jones on May 12, 2017 at 3:45pm

I have had the same, over the last few years. I figure it is also part of ageing. I mean the older I get the more likely it is that people die around me, no?  I find that I still think of and mourn for some of the people - friends, people I loved, even if they died ten or fifteen years ago. I think that will never go away. I just keep them in my heart. I cannot imagine what it would mean to loose one's child, that must be the worst ever. So maybe just accept, there is a hole in you, that sometimes still hurts and maybe will keep hurting for another while. It's ok. 

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